Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. — Ambrose Bierce
He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. — Ambrose Bierce
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both his. — Ambrose Bierce
Elegy, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor — Ambrose Bierce
Heaven, n.: a place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs — Ambrose Bierce
Conservative: a statesman who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal — Ambrose Bierce
Mythology, n. The body of a primitive people’s beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes — Ambrose Bierce
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. — Ambrose Bierce
Age: that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit. — Ambrose Bierce
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling. — Ambrose Bierce
Education, n.: that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. — Ambrose Bierce
Painting: the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. — Ambrose Bierce
Bath, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. — Ambrose Bierce
Worship, n. Homo creator’s testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of deus creatus. — Ambrose Bierce