Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It’s garbage. It’s not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! — Dave Attell
Once you get offstage you’re just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. — Dave Attell
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on. — Dave Attell
I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do — Dave Attell
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on facebook and the computer than — Dave Attell
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. — Dave Attell
I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a tv sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me. — Dave Attell
My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. — Dave Attell
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.” — Dave Attell