My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car. — Erma Bombeck
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. — Erma Bombeck
On vacations: we hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin — Erma Bombeck
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead. — Erma Bombeck
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. — Erma Bombeck
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. — Erma Bombeck
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. — Erma Bombeck
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 a.m. What it wants to eat at 6 p.m. — Erma Bombeck
There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it. — Erma Bombeck
What’s with you men? would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere? — Erma Bombeck
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. — Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. — Erma Bombeck
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake christmas morning and not be a child. — Erma Bombeck
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. — Erma Bombeck
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the american family. Families aren’t dying. — Erma Bombeck
We’ve got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don’t know how it was before. — Erma Bombeck
On the first day of school, my children said to me, “aren’t you glad that our education’s free?” — Erma Bombeck