I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. — Mitch Hedberg
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. — Mitch Hedberg
If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture. — Mitch Hedberg
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. — Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle. — Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘i’m gonna go shave, too.’ — Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer… so she got halfway. — Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me brain. — Mitch Hedberg