I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going. — Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west. — Rodney Dangerfield
I’m tellin’ ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel. — Rodney Dangerfield
I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can’t I meet a girl with normal parents? — Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I’ve got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer. — Rodney Dangerfield
I once had a problem … so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem – who to thank. — Rodney Dangerfield
I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already. — Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies. — Rodney Dangerfield
When I told my wife she was lousy in bed – she went out – she got a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark — Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. — Rodney Dangerfield
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. — Rodney Dangerfield
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex – my wife screwed in front of the jury. — Rodney Dangerfield
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped. — Rodney Dangerfield