I am not beautiful, so I don’t know why I’m making myself ugly. But the mustache stays. — John Hodgman
This Italian restaurant I’m at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache. — J. B. Smoove
Most people presume my mustache is not real because it’s much darker than my regular hair. — John Hodgman
You offer a sincere compliment on a great mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend. — Marty Feldman