I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. — Demetri Martin
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision — Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters. — Demetri Martin
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ — Demetri Martin
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. — Demetri Martin
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. — Demetri Martin
There’s a store in my neighborhood called futon world. I like that name, ‘futon world.’ — Demetri Martin
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. — Demetri Martin