I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses — Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some. — Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. — Emo Philips
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of british comics’ heads, where they are safe. — Emo Philips
People always ask me, “where were you when kennedy was shot?” well, I don’t have an alibi. — Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil. — Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… — Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘get off me, you two!’ — Emo Philips