At a forma dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. — George Carlin
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — George Carlin
I have as much authority as the pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it. — George Carlin
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the professional building. — George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; — George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. — George Carlin
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. — George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. — George Carlin
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. — George Carlin