When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my x-rays. — Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In fresno, he’s frank and in chicago he’s ernest. — Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! — Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. — Henny Youngman
One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. — Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. — Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman
I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me. — Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope. — Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. — Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first! — Henny Youngman