Picture Quotes Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up? —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. A lot of people get to this level and they're like, Now I do four cities in one week and they tour nonstop. I'm like, No, that sounds miserable. I'll just do two weekends a month. But whenever I'm in some awful place geographically, it's no longer that awful, because you've got the Internet and television. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I have no real talents. If I could make a living at a normal job, I'm sure I would do that. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I guess it could be seen as a form of rebellion, but (my dad) is pretty supportive. He's knows I'm just an idiot, so I think that softens it a little bit. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Big, skinny, regular size it doesn't matter as long as your young. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes? —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Describe your perfect man who looks like me... —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house... —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Babies aren't dishwasher-safe. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes You are a sick freak who should be beaten. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult? —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Kangoroos can't hop backwards. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which I'm quite proud of, but I still haven't seen it. I have no plans to branch out. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!' —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Never trust anyone who buttons their top button. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence. —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this
Picture Quotes Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my economic package.' —Daniel ToshWhatsappFacebookTwitterPinterestLinkedInBufferEmail this