I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ — Phyllis Diller
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked. — Phyllis Diller
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake. — Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller
Any time three new yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. — Phyllis Diller