I asked the waiter, ‘is this milk fresh?’ he said, ‘lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ — Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes — Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you. — Phyllis Diller
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. — Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. — Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle–keep away from children. — Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller