Do you think that when they asked george washington for id that he just whipped out a quarter? — Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk. — Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. — Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. — Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. — Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out. — Steven Wright
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it. — Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered french toast during the renaissance. — Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting slinkies on the escalator. — Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. — Steven Wright
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘happy birthday.’ — Steven Wright
I watched the indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast. — Steven Wright