When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually. — Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. — Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “did you sleep good?” I said “no, I made a few mistakes.” — Steven Wright
If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: — Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. — Steven Wright