I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “what for?” I said, “i’m going to buy some sugar.” — Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. — Steven Wright
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? — Steven Wright
In vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. — Steven Wright
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. — Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with salvador dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. — Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. — Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. — Steven Wright
The bermuda triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to alaska. Now santa claus is missing. — Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. — Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, do you have any toy train schedules? — Steven Wright