One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house. — Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. — Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them. — Rodney Dangerfield
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? — Rodney Dangerfield
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh! — Rodney Dangerfield
Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it. — Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities. — Rodney Dangerfield
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”. — Rodney Dangerfield
Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. — Rodney Dangerfield