My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who may was. — Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. — Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. — Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife. — Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. — Rodney Dangerfield
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have s*x every night. Now, we’ll never see each other! — Rodney Dangerfield
I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ the waiter joined me. — Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘make me a zombie.’ he said ‘God beat me to it.’ — Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. — Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. — Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. — Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. — Rodney Dangerfield