One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife! — Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. — Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield
You live with life’s disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all. — Rodney Dangerfield
I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. — Rodney Dangerfield
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. — Rodney Dangerfield
I’m taking viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going. — Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. — Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. — Rodney Dangerfield
My wife met me at the door the other night in a se*y negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home. — Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. — Rodney Dangerfield