When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. … and no one showed up. — Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. — Rodney Dangerfield
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know. — Rodney Dangerfield
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn’t, so he nailed down my other foot! — Rodney Dangerfield